For the first time that night, I felt like I should never have climbed out of my laundry room window, creeped into a foreign car, and ended up inside a mystery house. How could I have been so oblivious and naïve? His name was Cody, the possessive and powerful varsity football player who chose to act upon his compulsion. Why did I have to come here?
I continued to search my way out of that labyrinth of a house, stumbling stumbling further and further from the back room, from which I could hear Cody calling my name. Twenty more steps. If I was going to escape this predicament, now was the time to do so. There were only fifteen steps separating the front door and me. I attempted to stifle any audible sound emitted from my feet so that the football player wouldn’t be able to hear me if he listened. Ten more steps. Eight. Seven. His beckoning grew closer and louder, as if he were right behind me, reaching for me just to drag me back into submission and compliance. Only four more steps. Three. The door was in focus for me now, so close I could touch it, my freedom and its release. I forced whatever mental and physical strength I had left into my hands to push open the door and step out into the humid summer night. Behind me, I heard Cody attempting to reason with me, which almost made me turn around, but, with my resistance, I found myself spitting the words: “How dare you, don’t you touch me... I have to leave now...” I was about to lose it. My heart was racing. My lungs were desperate for something more than short, panicky breaths. My body was close to giving up, giving in, surrendering...
No. Out into the night, I slammed the house door behind me and walked determinedly to the car.
My fingers dialed the number to my sister on my phone. My sister, who was supposed to protect me, and didn't. I said:
“Take me home, now.”
Never shall I forget that room, the room where it happened, when I was kissed and touched for the first time against my will.
Never shall I forget being pinned down on a smelly bed.
Never shall I forget that boy’s contorted face whose hands wandered over me with such desperate need in a silent place.
Never shall I forget that night which consumed my faith in love for many years.
Never shall I forget the mouth that deprived me of oxygen and mashed our tongues together.
Never shall I forget those moments that murdered my youth and my innocence and turned my hope to narcissism.
Never shall I forget those things, no matter how many times a boy tells me it’s all right now.
Never.