Apr 2014
One day in the fifth grade I awoke and decided I didn't like my face anymore.
Then a year later, I came home from school crying because I was bullied for being fat.
I began to feel as though I was a waste of space. Unworthy of friends or love, quite frankly living or existing at all.
I decided to turn to self mutilation to fill the empty uneasy hole that had manifestated in my heart.
I felt short term solice for long term feelings. My arms, then my legs. A few on my thighs and wrist. A problem erupted from my dark demons that ruled the kingdom that reigned my head.
A year went by and I met someone who I thought I loved dearly. But to my mistake I only loved their sorrow and was attracted to the despair they had that was quite similar to my own.
It ended and a shining sun opened up for me. My wounds had healed to little white scars. My heart had never felt so swayed in my life. All thanks to yet another man. Who I instead loved for their light and smile. They brought out the best in me.
That also came to a sudden close. For the man was but a boy and even to this day is filled with confusion of his future. I went spiraling down from my throne into the depths of the deep ocean floor. My old cuts and slices re opened and blood filled the whole sea.
I met a dear friend that held the fort down and kept me as sane as possible that year. I turned to him as well. To fill that hole that was still so empty. Yet again only to realize I was wasting my time. Forcing myself to be with someone in order to not be alone.
Then senior year came and I finally had realized something. This battle with myself cannot be won by filling that hole with someone else. I have to get my own dirt from the ground and fill it myself.
The pain I feel is my pain that I have to fix. No one else can heal me or win this on going battle. I have to learn to love myself. To stop trying to see what everyone else see's in me. To discover who I really am.
No other lover is going to do all those things. No one can but myself. I cannot truly love anyone until I learn to love myself.
This battle still isn't over and I have plenty of time to fight. But it's a beautiful blood bath and I am willing to draw my sword until I have reached victory.
Then a year later, I came home from school crying because I was bullied for being fat.
I began to feel as though I was a waste of space. Unworthy of friends or love, quite frankly living or existing at all.
I decided to turn to self mutilation to fill the empty uneasy hole that had manifestated in my heart.
I felt short term solice for long term feelings. My arms, then my legs. A few on my thighs and wrist. A problem erupted from my dark demons that ruled the kingdom that reigned my head.
A year went by and I met someone who I thought I loved dearly. But to my mistake I only loved their sorrow and was attracted to the despair they had that was quite similar to my own.
It ended and a shining sun opened up for me. My wounds had healed to little white scars. My heart had never felt so swayed in my life. All thanks to yet another man. Who I instead loved for their light and smile. They brought out the best in me.
That also came to a sudden close. For the man was but a boy and even to this day is filled with confusion of his future. I went spiraling down from my throne into the depths of the deep ocean floor. My old cuts and slices re opened and blood filled the whole sea.
I met a dear friend that held the fort down and kept me as sane as possible that year. I turned to him as well. To fill that hole that was still so empty. Yet again only to realize I was wasting my time. Forcing myself to be with someone in order to not be alone.
Then senior year came and I finally had realized something. This battle with myself cannot be won by filling that hole with someone else. I have to get my own dirt from the ground and fill it myself.
The pain I feel is my pain that I have to fix. No one else can heal me or win this on going battle. I have to learn to love myself. To stop trying to see what everyone else see's in me. To discover who I really am.
No other lover is going to do all those things. No one can but myself. I cannot truly love anyone until I learn to love myself.
This battle still isn't over and I have plenty of time to fight. But it's a beautiful blood bath and I am willing to draw my sword until I have reached victory.
