When I try to sleep I listen, I listen to my heartbeat the bump and thump of knowing I'm still alive. I toss and turn in bed, wake up with sweat dripping. There back, the voices saying I'm worthless and no good. But this time it's not just in my head, the feeling is much deeper. I try so hard to shut them out I do, but they just keep getting louder and louder until I break and my eyes act like storm clouds as they rain. I then sob with loss of air and earthquake sized shudders. My parents call my name, it's time I wipe my red puffy face and put on a fake smile, what's wrong the ask, oh nothing my head hurts, belly ache, or I don't feel good, I'm tired. There I sit in a spiral of depressive and usual lies as I try to protect then from my doubts on life. What is the point of life? To be put down at every corner you turn? To where a fake smile instead of a real one? To always be depressed? Yes, that must be it I think as the laughter of my peers sets in my mind and the feeling of being unwanted settles in, until I miss the cold sharp metal taking away my pain. This is not the way to live. Why can't I be normal? I ask every day. Why can't I be pretty? I look down to my arm and see the remains of past pain, and I remember that's why, I don't deserve it. I wonder what it's like to be truly happy, to truly forget about the bad that has happened In my past instead of it always being in the back of my mind. I wonder what it's like to not have to fight off the tears in every second of every day. I wonder what it's like to live every day happy with a genuine smile. I have a feeling I'm never going to know what it's like. When I have kids they're going to ask "mommy what are those scars from" and I will just say " I hurt a lot somtimes baby". I don't regret the scars one bit though.  They make me feel like I have gotten through a lot. They remind me of my past battles and how I won. They also remind me of how I chose to live another day. My thoughts are always clouded with thoughts of sadness. Thoughts of why I can't be normal. Why does everyone hate me? I ask. Because you're a worthless no good waist of air that's why. My mind says. I don't want to believe it but it's hard not to when it's your mind saying these things.  I'm tired I sleep so much. Just to shut out the world and hatred. But lately there are a lot of nightmares. Those come true, not the good dreams but the nightmares. The good dreams of love are just one big ******* fairy tale I will never get to live.