I know it’s selfish
... but I wish you spent six weeks in a hospital bed.
I wish that I could have spent seven fifty on parking slips
every day for those six weeks
Just to say goodbye,
properly.

I wish that hospital smell
grew familiar in my nostrils.
that I could walk the route with my eyes closed
to room whateveritis
and sit in a familiar chair,
slowly watching,


waiting,


for you to die.

I wish you had a nice view out your window

one filled with trees,
one that birds flew in front of regularly
because you loved watching them.

I wish I didn’t leave you
drinking merrily with friends
joking about everything
because I wanted to spend your last moments by your side.

I wish I could have observed your strength




slowly fading



as your smile was
quick to appear.

I wish we could have talked
once more would have done
although I wish that conversation could last forever.

I wish you could have ******* about hospital food
like you did when you were sick before,
and I wish we could have laughed about it.
         wish we could have joked about sneaking beer into the hospital.

I wish the beeping of hospital things drove away silence.

I wish we could have stared at the ground
as we discussed life,
death
and other important things.

I would have wished

that it wouldn’t have been awkward
but we would have known
what to do with your ashes...

Instead of leaving them on top of your sound system
and never looking at them.

I wish you were able to stand with us today
instead of swimming in a pool of regret,
instead of somewhere else.

I just wish you didn't die

and take a part of us with you.