Sometimes
when I think too hard,
my responsibilities
crash over me like waves
on an expanse of stormy sea
pulling me down under
an ocean of panic.
My thoughts turn against me
and the only thing
inside my hollow head
is doubt.
I can't drag myself away from
the lines i have to learn
the homework i have to do
what if my friends don't really like me
is my mum angry at me
what do i want to do with my life
no college will ever accept me
i'm not smart enough
i'll starve in the gutter.
I want to ******* die.
I lay there
paralyzed
with fear and anger
an emptiness that I can't control.
I feel like something is gnawing at me.
I know what i have to do
but I can't make myself do it
because no matter what i do
there's always more
living to be done
more responsibilities
and it's a vicious cycle
that I can't escape
and i'm drowning on air.
So i cry.
And I pray for death.