Oh, dad. If you were here now.

If you saw the red lines in my eyes or could smell the liquor on my tongue and in my sweat.
If you saw me drop out of college. Or quit that job. Oh, and that other job.
If you saw the ******* that would call you grandad.

Would you still love me then?
Or would you sweep my failure under a rug with your cigars that you still hid from grandma after forty years on this earth?
Could you love me after seeing the men I'd slept with, knowing what I did to them?  
How I had to close my eyes while I did it.
Holding tears back just to get through it.  

Did you die because you knew it?  

Was I not worth living for as a child because you saw a future you did not want to live?  

I'm only still living to prove that it was you who caused this torment.