This life I'm living isn't the one I ever wanted to be living.
I never wanted to be beaten by my dad when I was only six.
I didn't want him to leave when I was seven.
I didn't want my mom staying up for three days at a time, smelling like sweat and ***.
I didn't want to see my mom in the hospital after my dad did God-knows-what to her.
I never wanted my Grandpa to get sick.
I never wanted my Grandpa to leave us either, but he did.
I didn't want my mom to get cancer.
I never wanted her to scream at me when I was depressed.
I didn't know how else to communicate; all I knew was anger.
I never wanted to take a razor to my wrist or try to overdose on those sleeping pills.
I never wanted to cry alone every night.
I never wanted to not be able to stop lying.
I never wanted to make all those people up.
I never wanted to make my mom cry the night before she died.
I never wanted to talk to my walls, and ask if anyone was listening or if anyone cared.
I didn't want to not feel safe anywhere, not even in my dreams.
I didn't want my hands to go numb when I got sad.
I never wanted to down too many shots after I tried my best.
I never wanted to feel like I didn't belong.
I didn't want to hear my mom's voice when I was falling asleep.
I didn't want to have the only voice that would talk to me be my own.
I didn't want to have to think about what I said before I said it.
I never wanted to fall in love with five different boys's eyes that were all brown.
I never wanted to watch my mom cry as she pulled all her hair out.
I didn't want to cry for three days after he told me he didn't love me anymore.
I never wanted to not be able to say the right things; I could only write them.
I never wanted to have to sleep in the middle of my bed because the edge reminded me of my mom laying dead on the floor.
I never wanted to be scared of heights until he got me high off the look in his eyes when he told me he loved me.
I didn't want to be drowned by the thoughts that crawled into my mind at night. I never wanted to hate what I saw in the mirror.
I never wanted to cry over my mom's dead body.
I never wanted to feel like this.
I didn't want to live this life I'm living, so I guess this is my suicide note to whoever finds me dead first.