When I dream of my father
I see only a glimpse of him
His glancing blue eyes and small overflowing smile.
But he catches my gaze and we see each other
And something snaps in the air
Static and grief and love.
I awake from screaming his name, DAD,
My mind calm and my heart soft and confused.
It is a strange and beautiful thing
To be seen.

I stumble sleepily out onto the sidewalk
Slapped by the maddeningly brisk and groggy morning air
Knowing we saw each other.
I think of home
And how it is slowly dissipating like a small sugar cube
Into the dark smokey coffee of momentum
Of my life.
One stir and it will be gone forever
Leaving a lingering sweetness somewhere deep inside me.
How strangely we've scattered in your wake, Dad.

I feel a wind shift ever so slightly
The same wind that carried and bullied me all the way to New York City
And I know that things will never, ever be the same.
It is so hard to be afraid
With this wind at my back
With the man I love most in this world
Holding my hand and holding my heart.

I miss because I love.
I fail because I try.
I succeed because I am willing to fail.
I fear because I want.
I want because I need.
I fall because the world will catch me.

I love
And I will not be afraid.