I never thought it would be like this.
When I was little, I always imagined I would have this perfect life.
I would go off to college,
Find the man of my dreams and marry him,
Make beautiful children,
Work at the perfect job,
Come home from work,
Cook dinner with my husband,
Play the piano and drink a glass of wine.
But nothing is turning out like I imagined.
If you had told my 10-year-old self
That someday
Eating would be hard for me
That I would have to force myself
Not to give into the nausea
To just eat whatever I wanted
I would have said, “No, never, not me”
Because I thought my life would be perfect
If you had told my 10-year-old self
That one day
I would go to college
And I would let someone abuse me
Physically
Emotionally
And verbally
Someone who was supposed to love me
But who triggered my disease
Who used my vulnerability to get me to want him
Who said the right things to build me up
Only to tear my down
I would have said, “You’re crazy, that would never happen”
Because I thought I would find true love
If you had told my 10-year-old self
That I would rethink every decision I’ve made
Up to this point in my life
That I would close myself off from everyone I love
Because I’m scared I’m not good enough
I would have said, “I am good enough
Because my beauty reigns on the inside and out
And I’m a good friend
And I’m kind
And I’m gentle
And I’m worth it”
Somehow I always imagined and thought the best
And maybe that’s what I’m missing now
Hope