I miss your presence hanging over me
constantly.
I fear your absence.
I fear you.
I don't deserve your love.
Every day I wake up,
I am reminded of that.
Can I do right long enough that it doesn't become a cycle?
A cycle of me doing your will and then slipping back into sin only to surrender and do it all over again.
How foolish would it be if I asked to be perfect.
If I was perfect,
Perhaps I would do right-
All the time.
I wouldn't have to worry,
And neither would you.
I am exhausted from my constant persistence in wanting half of you and half of this life.
That frightens me.
You said,
you will spit out all who are
Lukewarm.
So often do I
Command you to turn around as I sin,
so that you won't see my wrongdoings.
I am afraid that one day,
As I command you again
You will turn your back forever.
Forgive me,
I give myself to you.
I want to feel meaning again.
I want to be happy.
I want to live for something full of worth.
I want to live for you, God.
Why has it become so hard for me to stick to this?
Mold me.
Show me all of the reasons why I should give all of myself to you.
Show me all of the reasons why this sin-bound world can't even own up to half of who you are.
Fill me up with your abundance.
So that others can see,
That although you can't be seen and not always heard,
Your power
And your love is so captivating and significant.
Once it is felt, it is so difficult to ignore.