I left a trail of tears in the universe,
starting from the examination bed where my mother
gave birth,
to the linoleum floor of my high school bathroom,
i've been taught that every teardrop needs a written excuse,
because "sad" can't be something that i just "feel"
some mornings, i wake up and my body is an anvil,
intent on staying in bed instead
of dropping on someone's head, my heart is heavier
than bags of sand, i've tried to build a castle.
only to have the waves bring it down, bring it back to sea,
because the depression is hard to fight when your only
weapons are pills and untouched skin,
i've been told that it's my own fault for letting the sadness in.
it's my own fault that i can't laugh without my lungs
cracking from the rust, like a tin man with no heart,
i've followed the yellow brick road countless times,
meal plans, therapists, prozac, hospitalizations, treatment centers, god,
but none of them work as well as digging my heels into the ground
and telling myself, "you are here. you were born from the stars,
there is a galaxy inside of you. breathe with the universe, just breathe."
on countless days, my skin became a blank canvas, my
toolbox filled with razors and thumb tacks,
but on my drive home yesterday, the moon was bright red,
and i learned that even planets have to bleed sometimes. she poured herself
out like red wine, but tonight she is going to be reborn, white
as a wedding dress,
I do.
I do.
I do promise to love you on the days when
you can feel your bones caving in, on the days when
even your fingers feel too heavy, i promise to treat
each of your scars like roadmaps, showing you where you've been,
the scratches on your shoulders, the bruises on your chest,
the fading marks on your wrists and hips, they are not the definition of your future.
on the mornings when the light is hard to see behind the dark, place your
hand over your heart.
and count.
one beat, two beats, three beats, four.
they are as infinite as the number of stars, each beat is
a reason for you to stay.
you've spilled bottles of prescriptions into your hands,
and held your future in your palms,
but you've still gotten up.
you were on a first name basis with rock bottom,
but still you got up.
and don't you think that there's a reason
behind why your spine is still straight
despite the hours you spent curled up in a ball, praying for it to all go away.
don't be ashamed when strangers give you weird looks or ask you to stop
when you cry over the feeling of sunlight dancing over your skin.
these are the good tears, these are the tears that i don't need excuses for.
so please shut the hell up and let me drown the universe if i have to,
because the night before i wanted to die,
but this morning i woke up and felt the air coming in through
my nostrils and filling my lungs, and i'd never felt more eternal.