I really love her… but there are time’s when I don’t. Somewhere along the line something in me became hallow. I remember these memories, instances in my life that help this emptiness settle in, but I won’t tell a soul because maybe if I never say it out loud I’ll forget.
It never goes away though and every so often she reminds me that in this world there’s only me. I was born alone and I’ll die the very same way.  I have no kin regardless of blood ties and there’s no telling if the people I cherish seem to feel the same.
I credit her for so much suffering and some joy but I want to erase it all. Whether it’s a delusion or not I just want to forget this aching feeling in my chest
-And for a time I did... till all hell broke loose and the seams of my delusion unraveled.
I screamed for her to believe in me with every fiber I had with truth seeping in every tear soaked plea but she just walked away. She turned her back on me and chose to believe in something that wasn’t me. She created sides with me on the opposite of her own when all this time I’ve been chasing to be the one closes to her.
Time has passed and some semblance of peace has blanketed over the war stirring in my heart.  I won’t burden her with these feelings. She already made her mind and I can see clearly her certainty. I'll carry on  in this deluded happiness because I love her much more than I love myself.
Why couldn’t she chose me.