Mar 2014
This cigarette is barley a source of serenity. Smoke doesn't taste sweet and hits aren't releasing anxiety. Tonight I look up to see stars and stars are absently replaced with only troubled gray tones and foggy clouds. Locked away thoughts streaming together are brought out.
Like one giant psychologically damaging moving that's so disgustingly beautiful it's as though it's a train wrecks in effect that you refuse to look away from.
Im examining trees with dark branches twisting and winding in erie beauty. Tonight I think of people close to me and try to believe that they weren't all the death of me. That hard times didn't come to me subjectively but faithfully.
I hate when my heart pounds because questioning humanity overwhelms me. And sadness always seems to hit me like a ton of bricks and I feel naked or exposed as everything everyone doesn't want me to be.
Wanting to not be dictated by my past but also wishing I had the ability to go back and alter those memories that turned my heart from crimson to black.
I want nothing more then to look into his eyes and let my heart go. To not question if you will be the one to officially shatter this fragile soul. I used to think I could see myself crystal clear. That I was so absent from being discrete my eyes shown like glossy glass that caused exposed fragility surrounding auras atmosphere.
But this constant battle of mental stability has had my conscious slipping on black ice. And the problem with trying to keep up this wall is that I am to transparent of a person to let my minds memories sacrifice.
The good bad and ugly are all one trifecta of chaotic beauty, and as they say pain and beauty are one in the same. It's seems sometime that I'm a pawn in gods inevitable game.
And this whole idea that I can reach my full potential only day is slowly starting to stay away. But **** I hate the idea I'm not so ******* sweet and innocent as I used to be back in younger days.
When optimism wasn't questioned and glasses were always half full of happy energy and not half empty of liquor used to hold everything together. Sobriety hasn't been a friend iv had close to my heart lately and that girl isn't me but the image of my pain that hopefully won't be around forever.
Friends and family don't know what it's like to look at those stars and be searching for someone who has been taken up in that divine infinity. That the mystery of what resides above isn't myth and that one day we will all be looking down and trying to get through to that one special person staring up that they actually are there with me.
Time heals but it is also moving back words. Having time lines only show that there is ultimately an end but there is something calming In that as well as worried concerns.
That maybe when you have nights where a cigarette doesn't taste so sweet or you can't see the stars, it only shows you that what hasn't killed can make you stronger in turn.
Emily A. Grande
Like one giant psychologically damaging moving that's so disgustingly beautiful it's as though it's a train wrecks in effect that you refuse to look away from.
Im examining trees with dark branches twisting and winding in erie beauty. Tonight I think of people close to me and try to believe that they weren't all the death of me. That hard times didn't come to me subjectively but faithfully.
I hate when my heart pounds because questioning humanity overwhelms me. And sadness always seems to hit me like a ton of bricks and I feel naked or exposed as everything everyone doesn't want me to be.
Wanting to not be dictated by my past but also wishing I had the ability to go back and alter those memories that turned my heart from crimson to black.
I want nothing more then to look into his eyes and let my heart go. To not question if you will be the one to officially shatter this fragile soul. I used to think I could see myself crystal clear. That I was so absent from being discrete my eyes shown like glossy glass that caused exposed fragility surrounding auras atmosphere.
But this constant battle of mental stability has had my conscious slipping on black ice. And the problem with trying to keep up this wall is that I am to transparent of a person to let my minds memories sacrifice.
The good bad and ugly are all one trifecta of chaotic beauty, and as they say pain and beauty are one in the same. It's seems sometime that I'm a pawn in gods inevitable game.
And this whole idea that I can reach my full potential only day is slowly starting to stay away. But **** I hate the idea I'm not so ******* sweet and innocent as I used to be back in younger days.
When optimism wasn't questioned and glasses were always half full of happy energy and not half empty of liquor used to hold everything together. Sobriety hasn't been a friend iv had close to my heart lately and that girl isn't me but the image of my pain that hopefully won't be around forever.
Friends and family don't know what it's like to look at those stars and be searching for someone who has been taken up in that divine infinity. That the mystery of what resides above isn't myth and that one day we will all be looking down and trying to get through to that one special person staring up that they actually are there with me.
Time heals but it is also moving back words. Having time lines only show that there is ultimately an end but there is something calming In that as well as worried concerns.
That maybe when you have nights where a cigarette doesn't taste so sweet or you can't see the stars, it only shows you that what hasn't killed can make you stronger in turn.
Emily A. Grande
