in the moment the cars collided,
i thought i must be dead,
certain the impact could not be survivable,
certain i was finally released, but
the hit should have come harder.

shattered glass & a violent blow to the head
was not enough to sever my tie to life.
the crash left me bruised blue-black
& awash in the aftermath
of sudden exhilaration
at finally tasting oblivion
even if only for a second,
even if i still came through alive.
i didn’t want to be.

this summer, i flirted fearlessly
with suicide.  swallowed poison pills
& played with sharp things
in hopes of writing an end.
when the headlights raged in,
blinding me with light & sound,
i was ready.
i thought, take me.
i thought, let me go.
i thought, set me free.

months later, lying in my bed,
immobilized with my first panic attack,
the tears came bitter & unyielding.
i told you i thought i might be dying again,
but this time, i wasn’t ready.
this time, i had a reason
to stick around
a little bit
longer.

the only difference between august and november
was you.
i wish i had the self-preservation
to want life on my own,
to be self-sustaining,
to need nothing but myself
but the wiring of my brain
is painful & incomplete.

you are everywhere i look,
your sweaters residing in my dresser drawers,
photographs of us filling my scrapbook,
songs i can never listen to the same again
without being reminded of you.

you said, i love you
you said, you are beautiful
you said, how could anyone walk away from you?
all my life, i have learned the art of losing
no one can be counted on to stay.
all i want, all i need, is something lasting
something permanent.
i search for just one indelible thing
& hoping it will be you,
that cracks me open at the fault lines.
leaves me breathless & choking
on dreams that might just
slip away
again.