IN LIGHT of new technology (but mainly the failure of the old)
we the people have decided to place
a ban upon these ridiculous beliefs of
kosher music and **** food (maybe it’s the other way around?)

AND BECAUSE we are so influential and such a
bona fide group of Republicans (in which the likes you will never see again)
we’ve also decided to show mercy upon your own religion
(even though it is far less substantial than our own,
and just PROVES that you’re a terrorist)
and we'd also like to accept your nomination
for presidency

AND IN stark contrast to our earlier comments
we'd like to let your garage band play at our son’s bah mitzvah
(even though we’re a bunch of self righteous catholics)
and please, tell your sister when we said
“you’d never amount to anything”
we didn’t mean
“you'd make an awesome stripper.”