My mom always told me "we want the things we can't have".
And,
I never fully understood what she meant by that.
But, the time passed by and I realized that she was right.
And now,
I know exactly what she meant.

I knew right away when my heart broke for the first time.
He,
Did it without any hesitation.
No second thoughts, no sympathy and no true feelings.
He left me standing there speechless,
Not knowing what to say.
And definitely not knowing what to feel.

And after my young, grade 8 heart broke into a thousand pieces,
Started the depressing music and the sappy love poems.
So I guess it's thanks to him that I'm standing here today.

I question myself everyday,
Because, I can never seem to get him out of my mind.
It's almost,
Like my subconscious is in love with him,
But I'm not.
The constant thought that pops in my mind like a balloon being struck by a pin whenever his name is brought up.
The constant thought that is: I wonder if I thought I loved him because I couldn't have him.

I wanted him like a child wants candy.
I wanted him like an athlete wants a winning medal.
I wanted him more than anything.

The feelings he left me with were feelings of "how do I move on?"  
The heartbreak I suffered was too much for a 14 year old to go through.
And now the odd time I see him I wonder what my life could've been like if he'd only given me a chance,
But, he turned me down like I was a penny in the middle of a pile of quarters.
Not valued, not wanted.  
And nobody should ever have to go through that.

I sat hiding behind walls knowing that he was with her.
And I only wanted the attention that she got.
But after all, I was just me and he was everything I dreamt of.
And, even though I dreamt of being swept off my feet by him, just wanting to hear those charming words he fed all the girls.
I knew it would never happen.
My story with him was no fairytale.
In fact.
Instead of being saved from the tower, I was trapped in the dungeon waiting for my own happily ever after.
But, I knew it wasn't going to happen,
So I kicked off my glass slippers,
But, all the tiny pieces of glass just came back to stab me in the heart.

I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep just wishing he could feel the same way.
And before I knew it my pillow was a pool of tears that surrounded me, each drop reminding me that I would never have him.
Because, he was a chapter in my book,
And I was barely a line in his.

I don't think I loved him.
I don't know if I love him.
But I just wish I knew what it would have felt like to hold his hand, or here him say "she's mine".
Instead,
I wore a fake smile, acted like he didn't matter anymore and walked away.
But part of me still wishes that I could've just said "stay".