I never prayed so hard for my heart to be mended by the woman of my dreams but no matter how hard i try to fix things i just mess them up. why must this "god" mess with my heart like it is? Im a good person i do stupid **** and im fixing my life so she will come back to me but no matter what i do i just mess everything up. This year alone i have prayed more than i have my whole life and every time its like he or she or what ever heard them just likes messing up my life. i get the prayers answered then once im happy its just stops. im so ****** at this force that i think this ****** world is just here to make me miserable to the point of self death. ive never thought of suicide but its popped up a lot lately. and its getting to the point of i am about to listen to it and just go for it. i mean what do i have to loose? Im nothing in this hell hole except a tool for a higher being to mess with like a **** lab rat. ive just about had it with the torment im close to just giving jnto the voices telling me to just end it flr good.. i am nit the person i want or ment to be im just a loveless nobody. my friends are all out casts and i am their leader because i thought none of them were able to take on the role but even i am wrong as i always am. my family says im not an outsider or ann outcast but to me i say and know different. i worry about this woman who completes my life because shes had a hard life and i want to be there for her to protect her for ever so she can finally take a break and be worry free but no matter how hard i ry to be there to give her everything she needs and deserves i just mess it all up. ill be dead soon by stress so talk to me while you can.