Mar 2014
My brother,
Mama worked 14 hour days and we didn't have a Daddy
I was only a kid, but now I realize, so were you
And you shouldn't have had to become a father at sixteen, but you were just trying to fill up the empty spaces in our jumbled lives and too-big house
But life with you was anything but empty
There were so many things you could have done at that age, but you didn't because you were far too busy taking care of a little blonde girl who looked at you as though you were the moon and stars and she had never seen the night sky before
I remember sitting on your lap, one hand wrapped around my waist, the other holding a pen, as you tried to finish your homework, while still helping me with mine
And I remember the nights when Mama came home too exhausted to speak, and you tried to cook us dinner, even though all you knew how to make was discount frozen pizza
Brother,
You were always waiting for me with a joke or a smile
Never anything but gentle
But there were days when the world handed you hatred and pain until you couldn't help but to unleash the demons that were hiding right below the surface
You would lose your temper and shout at me, every second your voice was raised was another second of tears streaming down my face
And I know you felt guilty, but I forgive you
You were only a child
Brother,
Do you remember Saturday mornings on the living room floor?
We used to watch cartoons together, sprawled out on the rug, your eyes were glued to the screen, watching Batman and Superman and all the rest fly across the sky
I never paid any attention to them, my eyes stayed glued to you, because you were always my favorite superhero
Brother,
I remember when you would pick me up after I fell on the sidewalk and scraped my knee
You were always there to stand me right back up once I fell
I saw the world from atop your shoulders
And when we watched Sleeping Beauty together you told me to never be a damsel in the distress, but to be the dragon instead
And I have always felt safe with you because I knew no matter how far I fell or how badly I was hurt, you would always be there to carry me
And now, brother, look at you,
You're 25 now, and younger than ever
You no longer have the burden of a child who expected you to shine as brilliantly as a constellation
You can relax and let the weight of my six year old body fall from your shoulders
Mama doesn't work quite as much, and you and I aren't quite as close
But maybe that's okay, because a bond like this can't ever be broken, as the shared experience of my first years on this earth tie us together
And I know that no matter how far I go, I'll always be tethered to you
At 15, I know that you don't have superpowers and I'll never be dragon, or a princess
But I do know that you keep teaching me new ways to be strong
And you know that whatever happens in life, we'll do it together, because we are comrades, perfect halves, best friends, siblings
And I look forward to the day when I'm strong enough to carry you.
Mama worked 14 hour days and we didn't have a Daddy
I was only a kid, but now I realize, so were you
And you shouldn't have had to become a father at sixteen, but you were just trying to fill up the empty spaces in our jumbled lives and too-big house
But life with you was anything but empty
There were so many things you could have done at that age, but you didn't because you were far too busy taking care of a little blonde girl who looked at you as though you were the moon and stars and she had never seen the night sky before
I remember sitting on your lap, one hand wrapped around my waist, the other holding a pen, as you tried to finish your homework, while still helping me with mine
And I remember the nights when Mama came home too exhausted to speak, and you tried to cook us dinner, even though all you knew how to make was discount frozen pizza
Brother,
You were always waiting for me with a joke or a smile
Never anything but gentle
But there were days when the world handed you hatred and pain until you couldn't help but to unleash the demons that were hiding right below the surface
You would lose your temper and shout at me, every second your voice was raised was another second of tears streaming down my face
And I know you felt guilty, but I forgive you
You were only a child
Brother,
Do you remember Saturday mornings on the living room floor?
We used to watch cartoons together, sprawled out on the rug, your eyes were glued to the screen, watching Batman and Superman and all the rest fly across the sky
I never paid any attention to them, my eyes stayed glued to you, because you were always my favorite superhero
Brother,
I remember when you would pick me up after I fell on the sidewalk and scraped my knee
You were always there to stand me right back up once I fell
I saw the world from atop your shoulders
And when we watched Sleeping Beauty together you told me to never be a damsel in the distress, but to be the dragon instead
And I have always felt safe with you because I knew no matter how far I fell or how badly I was hurt, you would always be there to carry me
And now, brother, look at you,
You're 25 now, and younger than ever
You no longer have the burden of a child who expected you to shine as brilliantly as a constellation
You can relax and let the weight of my six year old body fall from your shoulders
Mama doesn't work quite as much, and you and I aren't quite as close
But maybe that's okay, because a bond like this can't ever be broken, as the shared experience of my first years on this earth tie us together
And I know that no matter how far I go, I'll always be tethered to you
At 15, I know that you don't have superpowers and I'll never be dragon, or a princess
But I do know that you keep teaching me new ways to be strong
And you know that whatever happens in life, we'll do it together, because we are comrades, perfect halves, best friends, siblings
And I look forward to the day when I'm strong enough to carry you.
