some part of me will always want you.
it's not a statement.
there is always going to be one solitary
flower in the attic of my heart, withered
but still clinging to that one ray of sunlight
peeking through the wooden slats
barring the windows from viewing life.
and this is it; this is the summary of every poem,
every single one. i can't let you go.
i can't and i don't want to and yet in less than 3 months,
i'll never see you again. and god, thinking about it empties me
and pours out every ounce of my soul, until i'm standing
in my own essence, not able to do anything but blink.
then i think about seeing you again, in some cruel twist
of fate, or maybe at satan's hand - because god knows i'm not
good enough to be blessed - and i see you again, and you're so
beautiful, so vibrant and thriving and everything i dream and hope
you become. and i look at you and i cry, and i choke on my own breath,
and i grin until my insides spill out in front of me. and as i bleed out, you're there
ten thousand feet away and you don't understand, you never could
understand. but i see you, and time freezes, and everything inside of me bursts
back to life and rushes forward, seizing me with paralyzing fear
and an intense surge of happiness that cuts me open
at the very core, so thickly that everything i locked away comes toppling
over me, until i'm weighed down with every emotion slipping off of my
fingertips. and there's a thousand different places, a million
different ways it all plays out, but you're always handsome and so very much
exactly as you are now, and all it does is make me want to crawl into a corner,
forget my name and let everything drag me below waves of memories.
no matter how i think of you, no matter where and when and if i see you
ever again, it's too much to bear. too much to think of, too much to let
sit on my shoulder filled with expectations and disillusionment.
god, even then, part of me will want all of you.
but i still won't deserve it. i still won't deserve you.
i will never rack up enough good karma to earn you.
maybe it's for the best you'll be gone. because then i won't have
to think about you. out of sight, out of mind, right?
that's my lifeboat right now. because you'll sing to me,
jokingly and like you do to everyone,
and i'll just stand there immobile. it's like walking on glass whenever
we're near, and i never know what to do. how do i joke with you
when i see you as this mountain i'll never climb, this idol that
i'm praying to on my ****** knees? out of sight,
out of mind. it'll be over soon. it has to be, or i might go insane.
i love you so much i can't breathe, and yet i've convinced myself i'm not in
love with you so many times now that surely it has to be
true by now. oh my god what will i do without you
when you're so much and you're everything and you're my entire
high school experience even though we stopped being close a long time
ago and even though maybe we never were anything serious in your eyes
i still define myself by your laughter and that ******* voice
of liquid gold how can i sit and watch you leave me here when i want to leave
too and i want to be far away and i need to get out oh my god don't leave
me here it's terrifying and lonely without a familiar face that is the only
one who i've ever related to so fully and still managed to plant myself in the opposite end of the galaxy you reside in please come back why do you have
to leave why does everyone leave
i need you don't
go
please