I often think about all of the times
I sat here listening
for the sound of betrayal.
I sat here praying to hear nothing
and holding my breath.
I realize now, that I was horrible at this.
I am not capable of standing by an addict.
Because I cannot sympathize,
I cannot empathize with you.
And it makes me feel like a terrible person.
I know on a reasonably sensible level
that you did not choose your actions with me in mind.
But the selfishness that surrounded those actions,
that way of being,
forced me to be selfish in my own way.
I know that you suffer
from an overwhelmingly terrifying disease.
But every time you removed that spoon
from the secret pouch it was in,
I felt the needle myself.
I felt it ***** and go through my skin.
But instead of the rush of bliss
you were enjoying in your world,
a rush of terror and anxiety flowed through my veins.
As you sat there contentedly drifting
in and out of consciousness,
I was screaming and crying
Inside.
It was truly terrifying
to sit helplessly by
while you destroyed yourself
and my faith in you.
I blame myself
for your failure to measure up
to my expectations of you.
I blame myself
because I sat by and never truly confronted
Your addiction
My pain
Or the fact that our relationship ended
The first time I caught you
Spoon in hand.