**** day. Couldn’t stay awake in class.
Saw psychiatrist, he’s doubling the dosage.
Getting sick again.
Depressed.
It switches between self loathing
and loss of hope.
I don’t have much time
before I fall asleep
these pills will
really take the ****
out of me
good.
I don’t need to ****
or run around
or yell
or feel anything
These pills numb me
a lot
and I’m trying really hard to feel
and sometimes I don’t want to wake up in the morning
but manic depressive or not, that feeling was always there.
I don’t know if I really love my mom anymore.
It doesn’t make sense.
I see her less than ten times a year.
Passions for other activities
or distant friends
are like pencil being erased
and it’s really
really not fun
but if I stop taking these pills
I will go back to my old self
the part of me that cried in the backroom
hour after hour
or the obsessive self
that chatters and spins
but never gets anything done
waking up takes hours now
I fell asleep in the shower
curled up in a ball in capsule
I didn’t need to bathe
just a place to rest
that’s all I need
a small, soft
and warm
nest
maybe I’m becoming a pill
and someone will swallow me
and I’ll be in the bloodstream
of another disorderly brain
I’ll swim before I am finally dissolved
the skin turns to dust and chemicals
so when my host looks at its veins
it’ll know that  there was someone else
that lived inside this body
and that someone else
is leaving