What is this world inside my mind?
A world of contradicting ideals, I've found;
A disturbing serenity.
A horrifying beauty.
A euphoric nightmare.
I don't want to look, but I can't stop myself.
What a graceful train wreck in my head.
What once gave me pain, I now only feel pleasure.
Vice versa.
But then I feel nothing.
Then nothing takes over and everything subsides to a blank nether.
All senses are null and void in a seemingly endless void,
Where time has no value.
One day in here is less than hour in reality, but it feels like so much more.
And then I wake up and I'm even more confused,
How could such a vast place occupy such a small space?
I'm more dumbfounded than I was in that fantastical world.
But I know one thing for sure: I don't understand it, but,
I want to go back,
I want to know what I can't understand.
That world has enticed me far more than this.
It has stricken my curiosity.
I want to feel that
Serene,
Beautiful,
Euphoria,
Once again, even if it means experiencing that
Disturbing,
Horrifying,
Nightmare.
Take my senses and swallow myself whole into the void again.
Take me back to that fantastical place.
I feel myself become complete,
And then I fall apart.
And then I wake,
And I long for that place again.
I'm losing myself to that intangible drug.
I'm addicted to its nuances my life could never show,
But I don't care if I lose my grip on reality,
There's plenty to grasp onto in that world.
Maybe I want to lose myself in it.
Maybe I don't want to be able to tell the difference between the two worlds.
Maybe I want this void to swallow me whole one last time
And allow me to enter this world for good,
My eternal dreamscape.
To experience these dreams always,
It will make this world bearable.
But what of the nightmares?
What of the things I may wish to wake up from,
But can no longer?
I've drilled a whole into my head
And everything is spilling out,
Shaping my world to it's own foul taste.
The euphoria has gone.
The serenity faded.
The beauty turned ugly.
All it is leaving behind are the poisons.
There is a war raging in my head,
and the belligerents are winning.
I can no long escape them.
The nightmares have burned out my brain.
My soul has been disturbed.
The horrors have bombed out my body,
And left me writhing in agony.
What have I done? I can't control it anymore.
I've turned myself inside out, I've come undone.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was wrong, there must be a way to reverse it.
I can't overthrow the new despot in my head. I've entered a new frightening realm;
A perpetual nightmare.