I tried to find answers in razor blades
but all they gave me were secrets and shame.
I tried to find peace between pages and words
but everything lead me back to you
and everything I wrote
was you.
I tried to find courage to call you in 7% drinks but all they lead to was me hanging up the phone.

Instead I found you
in dreams where I couldn’t touch you,
in dreams where you weren’t yourself.
It’s been four years
and I’m still finding you
in blinding memories
while I lie beside the one I love;
and I’m afraid I will keep searching for you
because even when I was with you
I never really had you.