I lost myself
when I uttered the words:
“it’s up to you now”
and laid my heart in your feeble hands.
I lost myself when I shoved my fate
in your direction
and turned a blind eye.
I wanted you to want me back,
and you never did.

I have been searching ever since
for the girl I once was.
I used knives and numerous sharp objects
to dig into my skin
to see if I was still there,
within the depths of my misguided soul.
I leapt into words and strung them
into poems
hoping you’d read them and come
rushing back.
Because without you
I wasn’t me.

I stopped searching when I found
that I could never be the girl
I was before you.
I had seen too many dreams die,
too many hearts break
to ever crawl back into my old skin.
I stopped searching when I found myself
lying amongst the *******
of a collapsed and failed life.
And I found that the new me
could never
live with
you.