i always ask myself how i know it isn't over with you. i always wonder how i can tell that you'll be back soon enough. it wasn't until recently that i started to develop a sixth sense for you. i began to notice the sensation that comes over me when fate catapults your soul back into mine. i have created a list:

1) there is a taste in my mouth. it is dry and heaving and tastes like the devil would taste. it leaves something to be desired. i guess you could compare it to fine dry red wine. but suddenly my tongue is a desert and i can taste you in the back of my throat.

2) you no longer matter to me. you disappear like a phantom. once i find a way to hurdle over you, you trip me up again. this is without fail. you must be picking twigs.

3) i forget to dream of you. you no longer visit my daydreams and nighttime dreams. i don't see you in my sleep and wake up vomiting your hazelnut-hued eyes.

4) weeks go by so much faster when your name evaporates from my life like water on the summer sidewalk. your name reminds me of the springtime and of fresh fruit. i bathe in the sound of your name. it starts in the front of my lips and travels itself to the back of my throat so eloquently and smoothly it feels like the first sip. i forgot how to pronounce your name.

5) there is always something missing. there is a hole in my chest in the shape of your beating heart. i want to hold it in my hand and keep it warm but unfortunately you like being cold when you sleep so i guess i will leave you alone for now. but the hole is still here.

i'm tired of writing lists. let's just talk about how i love you like the sun loves the dusk and the moon the dawn. it feels like an anvil has been lifted from my chest when i say it, that i love you. i love the little freckles on your shoulders that remind me of the constellations that i can see in the sky back home in florida. you know, there's much less light pollution in florida than here and you can see every star in the ******* sky those nights. i used to love it, now i am in love with it.

i love the smile where your eyes squat and all of your teeth show. i love the little hairs on your sternum and the spearmint flavor on your tongue. i love when you touch my hair or my face or anywhere on my body because i know that it is your hand and not anybody else's. i like to say to myself that i am yours and you are mine in those moments between the hours of 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. you make me happy like a ******* child and you make me think about life in a way that seems so much brighter and more colorful than the way i do on my own.

i lie in bed thinking about you and your entirety and how blessed i am to know you. i think of how i will never be able to call you mine outside of those hours when i am allowed to feel you as if you were mine and it shatters my heart and fractures my soul. but i smile because i know you. i am happy that i will always know you. i will always be able to say that i have met you. i  have known you. i know the curves in your lips and the nuances in your voice and the fragility of your spirit. that is why i am happy.

i will always know you, even if you are not mine.