Feb 2014
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I thought about him, about the one they called the ONE. I wondered once more where he was and what our valentine’s day would look like. Or how he would look like. I tried ignoring the nagging threat that maybe he wasn’t you and wasn’t ever going to be you no matter how much I wanted it to be you because you didn’t want it to be you.
Or you didn’t want me.
I’ll admit I had wished for a semblance of celebration, a hope that this was the year and this was the day when all that saints and sinners had vowed the forgiving God to do would be met and done without impunity. Yet, how could I expect you to understand when you did not know what it was like to be lonely? To have someone you loved with all your heart until every bone in your body ached so close and yet so out of reach?
You. You’re okay with your solitude, prefer it, crave it — whereas I, pitiful dreamer and hopeful me had so desperately clung to the hope that maybe you would change your mind. I’ll admit it. I’ll admit that for nights now I have been living in fear that one day you would leave me for someone better, for someone you loved long ago and have lost and I was just a temporary replacement. People leave, they always do… so why do I still have trouble accepting that? Alone on a day meant for hearts and lovers, I sit thinking about the man I dreamed you up to be and the man you are I love them both but something is stopping one from becoming the other and if there is one thing I can’t fix it’s you.
I thought about him, about the one they called the ONE. I wondered once more where he was and what our valentine’s day would look like. Or how he would look like. I tried ignoring the nagging threat that maybe he wasn’t you and wasn’t ever going to be you no matter how much I wanted it to be you because you didn’t want it to be you.
Or you didn’t want me.
I’ll admit I had wished for a semblance of celebration, a hope that this was the year and this was the day when all that saints and sinners had vowed the forgiving God to do would be met and done without impunity. Yet, how could I expect you to understand when you did not know what it was like to be lonely? To have someone you loved with all your heart until every bone in your body ached so close and yet so out of reach?
You. You’re okay with your solitude, prefer it, crave it — whereas I, pitiful dreamer and hopeful me had so desperately clung to the hope that maybe you would change your mind. I’ll admit it. I’ll admit that for nights now I have been living in fear that one day you would leave me for someone better, for someone you loved long ago and have lost and I was just a temporary replacement. People leave, they always do… so why do I still have trouble accepting that? Alone on a day meant for hearts and lovers, I sit thinking about the man I dreamed you up to be and the man you are I love them both but something is stopping one from becoming the other and if there is one thing I can’t fix it’s you.
