"You are an artist. This is what great art comes from. Maybe you're meant to suffer to create something beyond beautiful for the world."
I don't want that!
I want to be happy.
I'd give up everything that makes me special
And talented
And beautiful
Just to be happy,
Because the only reason I need
Any of it
Is to survive how sad and angry I am.
I am an artist because I don't want to **** myself.
I could have been a lawyer
Or a scientist.
I could have been anything I wanted
But I can't
Because I have to spend every moment I can
Just surviving.
And of course I love it-
It's my life raft.
Nobody wants to drown.
But would I even like any of this
If it wasn't the only thing I could do to continue living?
I don't know.
I don't
Want this.
When I get up onstage and I sing and people say
"Wow, look at the emotion she can put into it."
When I act and people marvel that I'm so raw,
When I write a poem and everyone says,
"Oh, publish it, it's so lovely!"
When I paint a picture and people say,
"I wish I had the talent to make something that beautiful."
I don't have the heart to tell them
That they are watching me fight for my life
And envying it as if it's
A gift.
I'm an artist.
I'm a prisoner.
Art is NOT my calling.
It is my answer.
The only answer I can find.