“I think I need help” I said
Tears in my eyes
Why? she asked.. She couldn’t possibly understand.
She’d leave me if she knew
If she could see into the darkest parts of my mind
The anger. The rage.
I think I just need to see someone, I choked
unable to cope with the sickening feeling
constantly beckoning
making me extend my fists, the fits
The failed relationships
literally every one
Wanting to jump in front of a train everyday
This was the first time the consideration was real.
Dealing wasn’t a possibility
When you forget how to feel.
When the toxic black nothing that is my insides refused to stay down one more second
When knowing that I’d be back in jail, but next time for longer
for leaving a strangers blood stains on the chipped end of my baseball bat
right where his teeth broke the wood
and I watched her swallow the ones she chewed with
and wondered why mom didn’t get the abortion
and I can still feel the cable wire wrapped around his hand
flying though the air
Praying for a lobotomy
needing any help
but its not there
And you are a monster, you pathetic, stupid drone
Chain smoking newports because I’m a coward
and its the easiest way to **** yourself a little and get a buzz at the same time
while I explain to the good doctor
that I’ve been sick forever and my mind is *****
beyond saving
infected with the AIDS infested *** of indifference.
PLEASE GIVE ME SOMETHING
To make me feel less nothing.
At least make it fun, Doc
I’d rather choke on my ***** than have to explain to this angel why I need to see someone
That I will wire her circuitry and leave her a version of herself she doesn’t recognize
With drunken calls at 3am
with words that make her think she really might be a fat *****.
******* you, he said, bringing his steel toed boots down on my legs.
Something tells me I shouldn’t have goose bumps right now.