my horoscope suggested making amends.
tired of replaying the same story in my head but unable to let go,
the words i need are lost in embarrassment -
stuck between hating myself and loving you.
it's the car crash i call my life and you're the star.
i don't want you to hate me,
i don't want you to love me,
i don't want you to remember me,
i am terrified you'll forget me.
never what you needed, always what you wanted.
when i don't think about it,
you creep up on me and the feeling of your skin brushing mine
makes my hair stand on end.
unsatisfying.
addicting.
i don't know how to apologize for pushing you away.
i know there's no going back
and know that leaving again is inevitable;
the date is circled on the calendar.
now just to figure out how to keep above water
with this weight on my shoulders.