my insecurity exploded like the sounds from the speakers we set up together
i wandered out the back door into the bitter cold
still wearing your red plaid button-up over my dress
the snow was coming down in flurries when you ambled outside after me
"there you are, i was looking for you"
please don't notice the tears freezing on my cheeks
you stepped up onto the concrete slab i was calling my home
"hey," you looked at my face "are you alright?"
****.
just tell him you're feeling faint. he'll believe it
"aw. i'm sorry."
you are so clueless. you never know i looked up at the sky and the snow fell onto my lips and melted instantaneously
"well," your arm weaved its way around my waist "would you like to go back inside?"
of course i do. i know how much this means to you and i cannot take it from you
i nodded and you hopped down, offering up your hand to help me down
then lacing your fingers with mine
your eyes shine brighter than you'll ever know
when you are so much as in a room with music that you love
i held your hand and leaned on your shoulder as we swayed together to the rhythm
you placed your lips against my hair and i swear that everyone else disappeared
i could have died in that very moment because ******
i have let myself fall in love with you
around 10:30 you set up your bass
a lonely speaker and your newly written lyrics
three people around you, and i, over in the corner on the couch
staring at you and knowing that if any of the others were to look up at me
they could see all the simple adoration pouring out of me
afterwords you told them about the story behind the song
the boy you wrote about and i wonder if any of them could tell
that the boy is actually you
because i knew before you even told me
as we left, finally
close to 10:45 when i expected to be home by then
you drove me across the street to where i was parked and i told you
i feel like a nothing
i love you with every piece of me yet sometimes you leave me in the shadows
and i know it's ******* pathetic but it's how i feel
"oh," you said my name, a beautiful noise in your breathtaking voice "you are everything"
everything? EVERYTHING?? how the hell could i be everything, even when you are that to me?
your head on my shoulder "you are my best friend. you are more than you could ever know"
it's the same for you. because you will never see how much i truly love you
"in the past few months, i have felt like ending it. more than once"
no.
"i just... i very much wanted to die."
no no no. holy hell, no
"and i would go to sleep on those nights... after, you know, chickening out"
and thank every god in every religious philosophy you woke up and came back to me
"then i'd wake up in the morning, come to school... and see you"
i am so glad you did. god. i couldn't do this without you. and i hope you know that
"and i would tell myself: 'hey. there is one reason to stay" you paused, and i was crying already. "for her.'"
oh god. oh god. oh god.
"so in many ways you have saved me. and you keep doing that. you never give up me even though you probably should. even though mostly everyone else has."
don't you get it? i would never give up on you. because there is no way i would be alive without you
and without you there is no me
"promise me something." your arm was around my shoulders and i was leaning into your chest, staining your t-shirt with eyeliner-soaked tears.
anything
"if i do end up..." you stopped. "you know, if i'm gone, i need you to keep going. continue, for both you and i."
you are the stupidest most wonderful person i have ever encountered in my entire life
i screamed at you, tears like a waterfall, streaking my face black
and you stared into my eyes, you brave soul
never would i be able to go on without you! never!
you are my lifeline
"and you are mine"
don't you dare leave me
you closed your eyes and nodded. "okay" you said, on the verge of crying yourself
i grabbed either side of your face and brought you closer to me
kissed your forehead and wrapped my convulsing arms around you
you can never leave me. i won't allow it
"see?"
see what? see that you're stupid because you don't comprehend your magnificence? see that you are clueless because you do not understand that at least someone in this world is hopelessly devoted to you?
"you are everything."
*no. you are.