I always forget how it feels to completely let someone in, let your guard down and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
to share your most personal strange opinions and experiences with another person
giving bits and pieces of yourself away until over time they can feel your whole being.
to show them even the ugliest qualities of yourself, the raw rough sloppy traits that are not prominently displayed.
to actually love.
and then it's gone in a moment, i feel like the reason it hurts so bad is because you showed them everything about who you are and they didn't want it.
they don't seem to understand what you've given them.
maybe they weren't as invested in this thing you thought you were creating together. but it's done.
I sleep alone and put all of my effort into not communicating with you.
but i still can't completely get away-dreams, mutual friends, objects, pictures, each one delivered with a swooping feeling in your stomach and new tears.
I know it always gets better, i've done this too many times to myself to not know that
but with every time it's always 'well it felt different' i always think we're on the same page and ignore the signs that point out otherwise.
i hate missing you. i don't get how you don't feel the same. i hate thinking about you knowing that your mind is elsewhere.
i hate that i still have dreams about you and i ******* hate feeling this sad.
i don't want to be friends. i don't want to be in the same place as you fully aware that i cannot touch you, or slide my hand up your leg under tables with exchanged looks, or sneak off in the middle of parties because we prefer our exclusive company and entangled limbs then anything else in that moment.
i wanted it all and you didn't
...and it *****.