i
To a mother who loved me
As only someone like you can.
Could I let myself leave you broken?
Then again,
I wouldn't stress you out anymore
And it would be the last time I'd make you cry.

ii
To a father who loved me
Though he never had the best way of expressing it.
Volatile and bitter were our interactions
But I never hated you like I said.
Did you mean it when you said I'm a disappointment?
I'm sorry, I promise I'll stop hurting this family.

iii
To a sister who loved me
But whom I hardly ever knew
We are total opposites, always
You are perfect and I am a perfect wreck
Keep on shining
And I'll get out of your way.
Don't cry for me, sweetie.

iv
To Matt, who says he loves me
He tells me day after day
That even though we cannot be together right now
I have his heart in my hand
And he will forever have mine.
And yet, we know it would be easier to live
Without each other
And that I by nature make things messy.
I'm sorry baby, I swear I'll stop.

I write the words down,
Let them spill onto the lines
A knife in my hand, I close my eyes
A shaking arm rises
And the other knocks it down.

You are stronger than this*
Something echoes
Vague, yet clear as glass
I fall to my knees and scream.

I will not give up on myself
For if I do
If I throw my life away
Then I will leave it's unfinished residue
It's dirtiest and most heinous parts
Here with you.
I love you too much
To burden you in such a way.

Yet is my life a blessing or a curse?
Will I bring you joy or grief
By continuing to search for every scrap of will I have
To fight on?

I must fulfill my journey on this Earth to come to that conclusion.
But this not so much a paradox of death or suicide
As it is the omnipresent conflict of a human life.