I've given up on you.

We used to be so obnoxiously close.
I would have given up anyone,
in fact i did, i gave up everyone for you
for that period of time.
I was your comfort
and to know
that I made you happy
was my comfort.
I loved you, with a chunk of my soul at the time,
it took so long to let you in,
but perhaps it was
the reservation
that kept me coming.

Sometimes I wonder if there is anything
underneath your skin.
You are an onion, whose layers
I've never been able to peel.
A lab experiment, i could never complete.
I can observe you, and make a hypothesis
about how you're feeling, what you're doing
but it's so insanely hard to try to invite you
back into my life
when you've shut yourself off so long.

So truth be told, i don't think of you very often anymore.
It's just every now and then,
when you message me to ask
for my password
or when i'm drowning myself
in the past
when i come across you
that i just get really sad,
because i realize that no matter how much effort i put into you
no matter how much digging
or how many rants i invited you to vent
or how much time i invested in you,
I never really got to know you.
None of us did.

I still wonder, what goes on in your head,
is it lack of motivation, like myself,
easing yourself into depression because
you don't know what's wrong with your brain
or should i know more,
should i worry about you?
Because I do, believe me,
I've spent so much time worrying for you
But i never get anywhere,
and I don't know you, not even in the slightest sense now.
So I'd like to believe
that I've given up on you.
But I know that
deep down i still have that reserved spot in me
that wants to understand you.