I think something ****** is going to happen soon. I'm smoking myself to death and I can't sleep anymore. I'm apathetic and I'm dizzy and my music won't go loud enough. nicotine is ****. nicotine is tearing me apart. I'm tearing myself apart and I don't know about anything anymore I guess. things just sort of happen and I sort of hate myself for letting things happen the way they did. I'm kind of taking people out of my life one by one and I'm scared I'm going to take you out too. my hands won't stop shaking and my teeth won't stop chattering but the only thing cold about me is my heart. I think I'm going crazy. and that's that. that's life. people go crazy. I need to leave my house. I need to leave this city. I need to leave. I need to disappear and I need to not be me anymore. I understand your fears now but I still don't understand mine. I guess there's a sort of bitterness that no one will ever understand me quite like you but people out there understand you better than I do. I'm angry and I'm upset. maybe you never cared about me in the way I cared about you. i need to sleep. I need to breathe. I need to breathe you. I need everything to stop spinning and I need to throw up. this isn't an apology to anyone but myself. this isn't a suicide note but I'm killing myself. I'm not slitting my wrists but I'm killing the person I was. you won't miss me. you'll miss the things about me that made you feel human. maybe I could be you but I've already tried that and I just ended up overdosing on a perpetual hatred for myself that didn't stop until I walked outside and sat in the snow for hours watching cars pass and hoping one of them was yours. there are hands touching hands in my head and they're not yours. I never dream about you anymore. I dream about us. I dream about kissing you. and sometimes I wonder if you're real or if you're in my head because it's impossible to believe someone so perfect could exist. but you're not perfect. **** I hate you. you're so far from perfect. but your smile burns into my skin like a cigarette burn and your flaws tear me apart but they put me back together again and I can't tell whether I love or hate you for that. do I hate you so much that I love you or do I love you so much that I hate you? some part of you makes me you. some part of you makes me me. I feel sick and dizzy. you're not here to hold me up and call me an idiot but in my head you are. in my head you're always here. I wonder if you would love me even if I were someone else. I wonder if we would have met if I were born an entirely different person. [WAIT. they don't love you like I love you.] ****. no. ****. ****. ****. ****. it's okay but it's not okay. I'm going to die here and no one is going to tell you because you're so far away. I wish I could be dying in your arms but I wish I didn't wish that. I wish I didn't wish anything. you're a shooting star at 11:11 and I'm a disease killing myself and everyone around me because love is just kinda funny like that. maybe I should sleep but I'm afraid I won't dream of you because I'm never as close to you as I am in my dreams even though I like real you better than dream you. I'm going to sleep but while I sleep please know that I'm sorry and that I'm trying for you. I'm going to get better for you and only you because no one else could make me feel so mentally stable and unstable at the exact same time. this isn't hello just yet but it isn't goodbye either. it's just a for now.