It happens most often at night,
When the dark surrounds me and the silence is overwhelming and all I can think
are those thoughts.
Those thoughts that haunt me,
Though I don’t know it until they creep up on me,
Like a sudden shadow, where once there was light.
Those thoughts, those words,
Those ******* poison words that beat against my chest like the wings
of trapped birds.
They suffocate me, become me, immerse me
Until they have no choice but to come out
And I say:
Would you fight to keep me?
Do you love me?
Am I the one for you?
What do you want from me?
Finally.
There they are.
I can’t take them back –
Do I want to take them back?
Now other thoughts consume me,
Ones of regret,
Shame,
Repentance.
I turn my head to look at you,
To see how you have taken what has spilled out of me…
And I see you are asleep.
I don’t know what to feel.
I feel too many things at once.
I wonder if my doubts creep into your sleeping self,
Saturate you,
Consume you, as they do me.
I know they will be back for more.