i was at the my mom and dad's gravesite trying to do some soul searching and really and deeply missing them and i will never get used to being an orphan and life has been so difficult since they left me and i took for granted how much love support and an ever ready hand to move heaven and earth to help me and i didnt even appreciate it much less utter very many thank you's and i would give almost anything, the rest of my life to have had just one more time of sitting at the kitchen table and i would actually this time drink her nasty Folger's instant coffee and when she died she left a jar of it and although it only contains a hard inch layered congealed ball it is so comforting to open the cabinet and see it still up there and you want to try to judge me when instead i was sitting there on the ledge of their headstone watching the beautiful and powerful electrical dry lightning and feeling the wind hit my face and i cried out to a god that i no longer even believe in to please have my mom cont to keep looking after her grandson the one she never admitted to, but over time it just became apparent of that she was most partial to Colton, the one that she had the special soup and salad dates on special occasions and i find myself agonizing about how whether my son is here on earth in the physical form or his physical blood skin organs and bones have decayed into apparent nothingness but either way i want to feel that my mommy is looking out for him and that i can have answers and can at the worst case scenario be granted just a tiny piece of real estate to go and release my grief and have 1 place where i can finally have just a piece of peace and know that he is with his grandparents and i can visit and memorialize him in the usual manner rather than having moments that can last for months of something that is truly a most insidious form of torture that i can't even grasp words to express and i have been so blessed to be able to have you want to play martyr with that last comment?