i don't mind it.
i mean it *****.
don't get me wrong,
it really ******* *****.

but i'm used to it yanno?
it's just been going on
for so long.
so consistently it's kind of beautiful.

it's beautiful.
how hard it is for me to breathe.
how each time i inhale,
there is a war waging within my chest.

i am so used to this feeling.
i can live with this.
this is pain. terrible pain.
but it is manageable pain.

for me at least.
i'm strong enough, i can handle it.
i love when people ask me 'how have you been?'
i respond the same way every **** time.

i'm still here, so i guess it hasn't been all that bad

and then they just stare at me.
like did you really just say that to me?
like i didn't want a real answer,
i was just asking as a formality.

you know how people do that.
they ask how you are because they're supposed to.
but **** it you're not supposed to tell the truth.
you're not supposed to tell them you're drowning.

but anyways, yea.
i can handle this.
the bad part though, the part i absolutely can't stand,
is watching people who love me watch me drown.

they're like cute puppies in a window.
so helpless.
so ignorant of what you feel.
because the people who understand...

yea well they got the hell out of dodge
as soon as they saw
part of themselves inside your pain.
they know how bad you are, so they save themselves.

no. i'm convinced this wouldn't be so bad,
if i didn't have to watch them watch me.
because really, i'm the one suffering.
but somehow, i still want to help them.

now how does that make any sense at all?
honestly i'm not sure it does.