258 days,
September
I've typed well over 3000 words now and it's 3:30 in the morning. I'm sweating and crying. My mouth is dry as cotton. My left pinky is sore because I have arthritis from when I broke it and my wrist hurts because I think I'm developing carpal tunnel. I've been typing for hours. So, let me try this again...
September
We both got lost in September.
You told me literally every single day that you were unstable.
I felt like the puppet in a play where I'm supposed to be the good guy
But the play is a satire where I'm actually the worst...
I cried a lot. I didn't know what to do. Or if I could help you.
I could see it in your eyes. I could see you tremble. I saw the fear.
I think I told you sorry like 50 times one day I was over.
I saw it in your eyes how sad you were. You weren't happy.
I realized I'd ****** up
But I'm me, and that means I'll just keep ******* up the same old ****
The same old **** over and over and over...
Without realizing it until it's but a second too late.
You asked me to go to the dance with you.
Where would we be right now, if I had simply been able to say yes?
I wasn't strong enough to say yes, sweet girl.
I was broken by a conglomeration...a giant melting *** of the situation and my past.
I had a good time with you at prom the year before.
I told you I didn't. That I was freaking out.
I did have a good time. Except when I was really freaking out was this last September.
You calmed my fears and made it worthwhile.
I still can't even believe I got a girl to come with me for my senior prom.
I thank you so much for that. Even though I kind of ****** it up too.
I can't let myself take it for granted either, what I've done to you.
I know I've ****** it all up.
If I could do it over (I keep saying this over and over, I've ****** up so much)
I would have just said yes and continued to try to figure things out
How to make things better and fix the pain
So that I could be to you what I've always wanted to be for you
Except I just wasn't strong enough in September,
A recurring theme throughout the summer
Wasn't strong enough to be there for you
Wasn't strong enough to be nice to you
So many ******* excuses I made over time
But it was true...I was struggling and my life was hard
But I should have known that the best thing for you and me both
Was to face a fear, where I was afraid of something stupid
If I haven't done things directly,
I've done them indirectly, like...
If I simply wasn't in the situation, no matter what was actually in my control,
None of this **** would have happened to you
This month ended with me calling your mom out (she'd historically been quite mean to me, but how dumb was I to do it on public facebook...)
Another horrid phone call ...
...(my hands hurt too bad to write much about this one, said I all I ever did with you was **** with your head, lied to you, blew you off...)
Myself going crazy, telling you I was horrible, awful, nothing, trash...(sound familiar at all?)
And the ending of our relationship
I think I've effectively hated myself since that night
When you were in my car and I self destructed to you
The same way I remember you self destructing toward me
Except you played no part
Your mom is the one that killed me but
I'd still hug your mom to this day though...and I miss little Andrew so much...
Your mom isn't that bad. She's done a lot for you. Gone through so much...(she made it very clear to me in the phone calls, I'll never go through any kind of pain like she did...)
I don't know what to say about myself anymore except
I'm weak
I'm soft
I'm broken
They say hindsight is 20/20.
If only I'd had a time machine.
September