258 days,

August
Between July and August,
I think I said the dumbest things I've ever said to any organism that breathes, ever.
Ever.
I went so crazy throughout the summer.
I kept missing Nick.
I told you such horrible ****. I should really just ******* **** myself for what I told you.
I seriously told you I only was with you because you'd probably hurt yourself.
I seriously told you that fair wasn't important.
I threw hissy fits over not hanging out. When it was mostly my fault anyway.
Doesn't that just prove how awful I am
...
You know, I'll probably treat the next girl to stumble into my heart bad too.
I'm a bad person.
Surely I will, because I'll never get over you, who I called my soul mate...
So how could I treat the next person well?
Instead, to save everyone the trouble,
I should probably just **** myself. Really.
But I can't push myself to do it,
Because that seems like an easy way out of this pain
That's a way out of my pain.
I need to keep living this life I'm in now
I need to keep suffering and dying, without you.
I've convinced myself I deserve it.
My life is so awful, that I consider living normally a form of self harm...

So anyway...

I kind of took Brandon under my wing, as he missed Nick too, even more than I did,
I spent way more time with Brandon, than I did with you.
I'm sorry I did so. He felt so guilty, for not going over there, how he or I could have saved him.

I spent the whole first week of this month out of state too.
Hold on, rewind the tape.
I told you what you were doing was unimportant
Yet I was out of state at a country music festival and that was supposed to be important?
I was so ******* stupid.

It was only then that I realized how ******* horrible I was to you. When I finally started piecing this whole thing together.

I can't blame your parents for jack squat.
I don't blame your friends.
I don't blame that girl you're falling for, that picked you up,
Because you needed picked up.
I still can't believe what I did to you.

Invited you over on my brothers birthday,
I would be moving into my parents house soon, and I wanted you to meet them
You smeared icing on my nose,
I got you back.
My grandparents were there, and things were moderately happy.
At least, okay...

Then I saw the scars on your arm.
Then I lost my cool.
Then when I drove you home,
I drove as if I was dropping you off at the ******* hospital like you were ******* dying
And after I dropped you off
I drove like I was ******* suicidal

It was my fault you relapsed
I'll always blame myself
Because I treated you like ******* ****
And I can't not blame myself.
I can't blame you for anything looking back
Because all I did was tear you up and let you down
I told you it was okay.
You didn't believe me...
Meanwhile I was fuming,
Some because of the promise you made me
But really, because all I'd ever done was **** things up
I can't blame this on your parents.
I can't blame you.

That's August.