258 days,
April
April was unusually cold,
Started out badly
I'd hurt you as March come to a close,
And I know that you tortured yourself over something I shouldn't have been upset about
Not to mention I got upset about even more stupid things
Like what I called your "liberal use of social media"
and
"neglect of me when I was with you"
I'll have to stop this story too,
Looking back on my choice of words I wonder what the **** I was doing
I had no place to call you out for having friends, or for talking to them
And you'd already done more than enough for me just being with me in the first place
After I pushed so many ******* problems on you.
I mean, it did legitimately hurt, when you were in my arms, but instead of cuddling
Was wrapped up in beating people at Ruzzle
Or trying to beat the level of Flow you couldn't beat the night before
That hurt pretty bad, I put up with it for a couple months...
But in the end all it became was another thing I ****** up for you
Because I took it all way too far
I got so mad at you, you deleted every social media app
You ran away from home,
You peddled 2 miles in the rain, and stopped right down the street from where I was living
And I didn't even have the heart
To walk down and comfort you the way I should have done
I traumatized you so bad, that I'd forever be sorry, for that alone
You kept telling me it was your fault, you kept trying to coax me into believing you were ****
Nothing
Worthless
Useless
Trash
Don't think I don't remember every word spoken in that phone call, when it was pouring down rain that day
I have to stop the story again...
That was the first time that I realized how sensitive you were. While I should have gone about it differently, you self destructed. You self hated. It wasn't ALL my fault. Your past was rough on you. People have hurt you. Your whole life has been such a struggle. You were made of glass and I forgot to label the shipping box as fragile. I broke you. I'm sorry.
Turns out, I was able to glue you back together. At least you led me on to believe...
I tried really hard.
So later in April...
You're over for church.
You seem okay, seem some better
But you had relapsed
After church we went on a walk, down through the sports complex
It was fun, but when we were making out I slipped my fingers up your right arm
I felt the scabs
You got so scared. I'm so sorry. The way you shook in my arms, when you got home...
I still feel the exact sensation of it, on my left side
My arm was wrapped around, and I felt it from my hand to my shoulder, from my shoulder to my knee. You were on my left, and you glanced into my eyes with the saddest look I'd ever seen on your face.
I feel that right now. I feel those tremors.
I looked over and whispered in your ear: "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry"
What good would that do though
You felt so horrible
Plus you wouldn't even let me blame myself for what I'd done
I felt more connected to you in that moment though than I'd ever had before.
I felt your true pain for the first time in my life.
My grandparents ordered pizza that night.
I remember how you and I sat at the kitchen table and you were still shaking.
We talked for 4 hours, love. Four hours.
That day I realized what a monster I'd become. I made you promise to me...
That you would never cut again, if I was with you, or not with you.
If I had hurt you, or someone else had hurt you.
Because I knew that there was a chance of me becoming that monster again.
And I needed you to understand that day, how special you really were.
I needed to show you so that if a day ever came that I lost who I was again,
You'd have the strength to take care of yourself.
I still remember crying on your shoulder.
I still remember the tears you left on mine.
I still remember holding your hand.
I still remember the trust you found in me.
The next part of April went okay.
I tried to build you up.
We started getting more intimate with each other though.
The kissing became heavier...
Hands moved more...
Hugs were as if we were trying to force our bodies to combine into one lone thing
...so that was April