I can't tell you I love you.
I'm too scared.
I'm too scarred.

I've been ruined.
I've been beaten and thrown around--
All in my own mind--
Because of three ******* words.
"I love you".
I poured my entire being into loving someone
Who never gave it back.
It took years for me to do that
Years where everyday was spent giving a little more to him.
And when I finally realized what has happening to me--
--How hopelessly devoted I was,
How I was blind and foolish to believe
He would ever truly commit--
It was too late.
He was a drug I couldn't escape from.
I loved every minute of it,
And he was leaching the healthiness from me.
And I had withdrawals.
I had moments where,
After I had sworn to never go back,
I went back.
And he welcomed me with open arms.
And I saw the thorns.
And I went and dug myself into them
Graciously welcoming their poison into my mind.

Three months.
That's how long it was
Between when I decided to give him up
And when I started dating you.
Three months
To try to adjust to
Healthy.
Five months,
In total,
Counting the months we've been together.
Five months
To adjust back to loving a healthy relationship.
It hasn't totally worked yet.
I'm still broken.
I'm still horribly familiar with loving someone who didn't quite love me back
All the time.
I'm still used to not feeling fully happy,
So when I don't feel broken,
I think something's wrong.

There are no words to explain
How I'm feeling about all this.
I say the same words over and over again to you
But they never seem to work.
So I hope this poem is our chance
To finally understand
Where I stand
Emotionally-wise,
In regards to us.
I love you,
Baby,
Darling,
Love,
Honey,
Sweetie,
Joe,
but it's really ******* hard for me to say it.