I need to unlearn the language of fear
That I have been speaking since birth.
My parents spoke in fear
And I volleyed back insecurities and reassurances in equal measure.
And when I turned away to meet the world
I spoke to it in my native tongue
And oh,
It spoke back.
But I need to unlearn this language.
I need to let go of my understanding
Because I don't really understand.
I'm only afraid I do.
I'm more afraid that I know what will happen
Than I am that I don't.
So what good are these strangled words
Gasped out like a dying man's last breath?
When I know that this breath is not my last
When I know that this veil of mistrust has darkened my view of the whole world
And made it untrue.
If I seek truth
If I seek truth out of the fear that I will be attacked by it if I don't find it first
I have failed,
I am failing,
Because I am not finding what is true,
I am finding what I'm scared will be.
Teach me to walk again.
Teach me new words.
Teach me to sing.
Teach me to breathe.
I don't want this doubt anymore.
Doubt doesn't make you the wiser one,
The prepared, ready-for-anything, jaded winner.
It makes you hurt.
It makes you hurt before you hurt.
I am done with doubt.
And I will fight
To force it to be done with me, as well.