I am so empty. I need someone to fill me up, this cavity in my chest. Nothing I write makes sense, Nothing I write is honest, not even this, why would it when I haven’t been able to feel anything real in the past twelve months?
I used to be so emotional that I hated myself for it. Feeling so much beauty for the world that it felt like my chest would burst. Having so much love to give that no one wanted to receive that it felt like my heart would spill over.
And now nothing makes sense anymore. I’ve stopped living in the grey areas of life, I’ve been seeing things in black and white. And everything I write or think is ****. It’s not real, it’s not real and I want to rip up this ****** poem and scream my ******* head off until I can feel something besides the crinkled edges of paper on my palms.
I would rather be a little girl with shards of glass living inside her not being able to breathe without her ribs feeling like they might shatter, than be this zombie immune to pain shuffling daily through life’s routines, not caring for the homeless, not caring for the senile, not giving two ***** about the who-gives-a-****-about-them-at-least-it’s-not-me that were killed or are starving in wherever-*******-country on the news last night.
I used to think apathy was the secret to life. That it would be better to feel absolutely nothing than have to live with the pain of feeling absolutely everything. But I’d rather write something that nobody likes; embarrassing cringe-worthy words full of promise that sound like they were penned by an mentally unstable naive five year old, than a viral masterpiece that sounds like it was written by the next Sylvia Plath, devoid of meaning or feeling besides writing for the sake of writing.
****. ****. ****. ******* ****. Where has it all gone?