I had to come clean with myself last night.
I was reciting the truth I always knew, that I always told, but this time to someone that would tell me the bitter truth. The kind I never would come to terms with.

So I admitted to my friend why all my past loves went wrong and how I was stuck on one. I revealed how i was still pursuing the impossible, making a fool out of myself, but still trying...just pushing aside that maybe somewhere in Wisconsin I'm being laughed at.

He asked me why, why am I so stuck? What's so great about this *****? And I got quiet as I slumped in his dorm with my hands in my pockets, chin in my chest. I don't know. You have to know. Well it was kind of the first time I truly didn't know. I guess after months of defending why you're doing something you lose sight of why you're doing it. I could only say "I hate to lose."

Yeah I added some ******* like "he was my friend. He was my first normal guy." But of course he had to add "so that's all you want is normal? Not great?" I thought about my pride. I thought about my past. I thought about my future. I thought about the paths that led me here.

I had a breakthrough. Now I can start moving towards the light.