Numbers.
I let them define me
Loved or not loved?
Worthy or not worthy?
Deserving or not deserving?
Numbers from a calculation,
That define whether I’ve lost myself,
As if a single wrong answer
Proves I wasn’t as strong as I though I was,
Making me push away
The people I care the most about.
Numbers on a paper
That define whether
My parents will love me or not
Because good grades are not a goal
But an expectation from
Every competition
Every test
Every exam
As if my parents will stop trusting me
If the number gets any smaller.
Numbers on a packet
That define whether I should skip a meal,
Perhaps three
To make up for a crime
I guiltily committed earlier in the day
That spread an everlasting wave of nausea
As soon as I saw how big the number was.
Numbers on a scale
That define whether
My stomach is too big
My hips are too wide
My thighs are too fat
To be deserving of food.
Whether I should force it all back out to
Loose some weight
Loose some fat
Loose some dignity
Or else no one will look at me
With loving eyes.
I let numbers turn me into
A maths problem
Where my brain calculates
Whether I am worthy of love.
You think I love numbers,
But really I’m obsessed with them.