The monster I created
To protect myself as a child
Is incredibly hard to manage.
Her skin is thick, blackened with charred emotions
And corded armor
And nearly impenetrable.
She stands tall and menacing
To others
And to me
While a little girl cowers behind her.
I only ever see her when it's dark.
I've never seen her smile.
I'm not sure she has one.
Her face is unreadable
Unless you read the language of violence
And I'm hesitant
To be happy to say
That I'm slowly forgetting
How to read that text.
She allows me to fear
Without being afraid
And she stands in front of me
At once blocking me from sunburn
And the lovely warmth of sunlight
Her hair is long and greasy, always draping down her shoulders
Because no one ever told her to wear it up
She does what she wants,
And I envy her for that.
The monster I created
To protect myself as a child
Is incredibly hard to manage.
She holds a sword in one hand
And a whip in the other.
She doesn't carry a shield–
She is the shield.
Her hands are always tightly wrapped
Around weapons
Never once releasing them.
Her back is strong–
Sometimes it's all I see of her.
She stands before me
A menace
And a warrior
All at once,
Her ebony eyes rimmed with silver determination.
The monster I created
To protect myself as a child
Sometimes refuses to rest.
I've told her that she isn't needed anymore
I've tried to soothe her with soft words
And gentle affirmations
But she calls me weak
And says she'll stay until I'm strong.
I've tried to pry the weapons from her hands
But it's like her fists are glued to them
They're a part of her, now,
And they can't be wrested from her grasp–
Not if she doesn't want to let them go.
I keep trying to save her
But I'm not sure she wants to be saved.
The monster I created
To protect myself as a child
Needs my protection now.
She doesn't know how to be gentle,
So she pushes away
Anyone who gets close
To either of us
Including the woman I am trying to be.
She snarls and hisses
And shouts until they leave
She asserts herself
With hatred
Instead of dominating with love
She keeps trying to protect me
But she doesn't understand
That I can protect myself now.
She doesn't need to do it anymore.
The monster I created
To protect myself as a child
Is a woman I thought I would need to become
To survive in this world.
She's the woman who I saw
And knew
Would keep me safe
When no one else did.
They should have.
She's the one who affirmed that
Safety is an illusion.
But promised she would do her best.
And she has.
Safety is not an illusion,
But the monster I created
To protect me as a child
Has done her best.
She's only doing her best.
And it's my turn to take care of her now.