I killed the people pleaser in me so I could survive
by @melbylove
So let me start this off by saying I'm a really private person but at the same time an open book as well. I have lived with depression for decades and am opposed to taking a pill everyday so everyday is an uphill struggle for me. I am also an empath/triple Scorpio and if this means anything to you then you know I am also ruled by emotions. In the past few years I have really tried to strip down to the barest of socialization I can muster. Other people's mental issues around me, affected me on a deeper level than most. I found it harder to recharge. As I am simply trying to manage my own, I have had to declutter my life of other energies that aren't necessarily positive. The more I am alone and have time to reflect on my own emotions, not just others, the more I can focus on myself and my own true feelings. I know that this may come off to some as what is otherwise known as selfishness. I have mental clarity like never before. I am an introvert and the more I explore my own shell the better I feel. Trying to please the people around me has been my number one pursuit of happiness in life. I forgot how to use the word "no." I forgot how to live each day doing what I love to do. I forgot that I had the option to be honest. As a born "giver" I tend to feel used and abused bc I give so much of my time and emotion away willingly. I have had to dial back on this giving instinct and to reserve it for valuable individuals. I gave so much I had nothing left to give myself at the end of the day. I was so worried about others happiness that I was using all of my reserves to tend to their needs. As a self reliant person I don't ask people for help bc I seem to never "need" it bc I can do it on my own. This has become the recipe of my unhappiness. Doing for others constantly who will never return the favor for me bc I will simply never ask them to or put them in those situations. I have cut people out of my life bc they used me dry. I ended up resenting the people I could not say no to. Everyone in my life was a taker and I the giver was left empty. I have self worth but not self esteem. If you are used to turning to me for something, please do not be annoyed that I no longer do it. I am living for myself now and it has taken me this long. Be proud of my progress and find someone else to do your bidding. Let me be who I am and who I was always meant to be. An introverted giver who the world has taken advantage of. Let me heal in my own way. Don't judge a book by its cover because under my exterior is a lot of deep pain.