"This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper"
As i sat here, on this bench, in the absolute freezing cold reading "The Hollow Men"
I realized, i really wished it would have ended with a bang.
I wish we would have confronted each other face to face, and said all the things we were thinking
I wish you would have reached into your brain
and pulled out the gun I know is in there
every truth, a shotgun shell tearing me up from the inside out.

I wish you would have been there with your bullet syllables
and your tongue that was as sharp as a knife, cutting words into my skin,
making my ******* up past, visible to the naked eye.
i wish you would have told me how enervating it was to be my friend
and how exhausting it was to be the one i told everything to
i would have replied i thought thats what drew you to me, that i was serious, honest ,and definitely ****** up, so different from you
i know you would have said maybe you're too ****** up, even for me
and i'd watch you walk away, a retreating form in the distance, something i was used to seeing
and even though it hurt me supremely, at least i'd hear the closure coming from your lips.

But none of this wishing got me anything.
no, of course not.
what i got was frozen messages, a summer spent ignored, a distant call, and a petty, stupid decision that you made, to make me feel like the worthless human being i am.
you faded out, once my constant, now my nothing.
They say with grief our support may falter, and you faltered. You fell, no, jumped right through the cracks,
deciding i was too much weight, too much baggage for you.
So now i sit reading T.S Elliot alone on my friday night and you,
oh you,
you're probably telling everyone about the real broken family i come from.

"This is the way the world ends not with a bang but a whimper"
i couldn't have said it better myself.