There’s a version of us
that still exists somewhere
in the quiet parts of my mind.
A place where we’re still laughing
in PS4 parties,
where your voice cuts through the noise
right before I get overwhelmed.
“Take off your headset,” you’d say.
“Just breathe.”
And I would.
Because somehow you always knew
When the world got too loud for me.
You matched me perfectly.
My weirdness.
My ADHD brain is jumping everywhere.
My random thoughts.
My loud laugh.
You never acted like I was too much.
You moved in the same strange rhythm
My mind does.
That’s why losing you
felt like losing balance.
Now we barely talk.
Just short PlayStation texts
that feel careful and distant
like we’re both trying not to touch
The past is too hard.
I asked if you were okay once.
You said,
“I’m good ig.”
But I knew you weren’t.
Then later you said,
“I’m not okay. Can we please talk?”
And my heart dropped
the same way it used to
when you needed me.
That night, I was in a PS4 party
with my boyfriend.
But when you said you needed me
I left.
I told him,
“I’m going to talk to my friend,
He’s going through a lot right now.”
And I joined your party.
Your voice sounded different.
Heavy.
Like you were trying not to cry.
You said your life was going to ****
That nothing good was going for you.
That you felt worthless.
Like you’d never be good enough.
Like nobody actually cared about you.
And I just sat there
through a headset
trying to hold you together
with words.
Trying to remind you
that you matter.
Trying to tell you
You’re not a piece of ****
even if you think you are.
But my voice
couldn’t reach far enough
to fix it.
All I wanted in that moment
was to drive to Kentucky.
Just show up.
Wrap my arms around you.
Let you cry on my shoulder
until everything you’ve been holding in
Finally came out.
But I can’t.
I don’t have a car.
I don’t have a license.
I don’t even have a permit.
So instead
I imagine.
I imagine getting my license one day
and finally driving down there.
Picking you up
and bringing you back with me.
We’d book an Airbnb somewhere quiet.
Go swimming.
Climb those big water inflatables
at Tigert Lake.
Levi and Gary would come too,
laughing and messing around
like nothing in the world
has ever hurt us.
We’d go riding.
Go to the mud bogs
I used to go all the time.
Go to fairs at night
with bright lights
and loud music.
I’d pay for everything
If it meant seeing you smile
without forcing it.
Late-night drives.
Country songs are playing low.
Windows down.
Air is rushing through the car.
Just laughing again.
That’s all I want for you.
Not fancy things.
Not perfect moments.
Just happiness.
I miss the little things the most.
Telling you about my day.
Hearing about yours.
You're calling me beautiful
even when I didn’t believe it.
You're laughing and saying
“You *******
When I cried over something small.
I miss the version of us
that thought the future
was simple.
I even wrote you letters.
One was two pages long.
The first page front and back.
Every word was something.
I couldn’t say out loud.
Then there’s another letter—Six pages.
Six pages
of everything I still feel.
A letter I’ll probably never send.
Because some feelings
don’t have a place to go anymore.
I asked you once
What happened to us?
Told you I still love you.
You said you’re with someone now
And you don’t know what I want you to do.
The truth is
I don’t want anything impossible.
I just wish you could see
What we had
the way I still see it.
I loved you with my whole heart.
Put you first
before school,
before friends,
before almost everything.
Maybe that was my mistake.
Now the nights feel different.
Quiet in a way
that presses against my chest.
Sometimes I still pray
in the dark
asking God to bring you back.
Not because I’m desperate—
But because loving you
felt like home.
And losing you
didn’t just take the relationship.
I lost the man you used to be.
The sweet one.
The gentle one
who loved me easily.
And I lost the girl I was
When you loved me that way.
So I keep writing.
Letters I send.
Letters, I don’t.
Memories stacked like pages
that never seem to end.
And somewhere inside those pagesThere’ss still a summer waiting—
Tigert Lake,
mud bogs,
fairs,
late-night drives,
Levi and Gary are laughing beside us.
A summer where you finally believe
You’re worth something.
A summer where we both
get to breathe again.
Even if it only exists
inside the letters
I’ll never send. 🤍