If it were easier to be proud, I might be. But positivity doesn't often ring in me. I have shined for so many years, making proclamations of my thoughts and fears, relentlessly opening my heart, my doors, my mind. Only to be crushed a dozen times. And maybe it is beautiful that I keep trying. But it doesn't feel that way on the inside. It is like harboring a monster in me, and hoping one day someone could love it. I can smile in so many ******* directions and it has never fixed the beast. And it eats and feasts on feelings. I believe my neurons and nerve endings, and my seratonin and dopamine, have all been over- compensating. For fear of losing it all to this thing in me. It's been there since I was about 13, and I thought it had stopped growing. Long dormant, but now returning from submission. Moving from feelings and making bigger decisions. I fear he is now eating me. Some sickness from the inside out, beginning with my sense of doubt. And lack of fulfillment and stupid ambitions. And all of the things I have tried to keep hidden. He is tearing holes in the very foundation of this ******* facade I've been constantly faking for something like 5 years now. All my best kept secrets are leaking through the cracks, leaving people feeling like they're sorry they asked. He will go for my bones, and then my skin, after devouring the flesh within until there's nothing left of me. I have been piles before. Crumbled, bumbling, cautiously fumbling for doors or floors or lightswitches. Chased into beds with sheets far less than neat, he's been following me for some time now. And I keep thinking I can write him out. But the feeling never sticks around. And the words will cease to make me proud. It comes back. Like clockwork. Year after year, cold after cold, he is there. Somewhere in me. Eating steadily, slowly. Savoring the taste of my suffering. Depleting my positivity, and filling it with other things. And what I have been wondering is if I can somehow make it leave and allow what's left of me to breathe, one day will it be easy to be proud?